I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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