Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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