I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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