Your face is a jimmy john
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
