it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
