so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
