here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
