U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
