The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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