so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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