Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
