well I can't set my house on fire every night
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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