After last night, I could never be a politician.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
