Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
