For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
