So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
