I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize