sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
