Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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