He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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