I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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