What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
