i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
