My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
