her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
