I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
