I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I stole a fireplace last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
