There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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