Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
