I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
