I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
