Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
