Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
