Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
