I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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