Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think im going to throw up on grandma
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
