He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
