I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
