did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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