So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
