If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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