I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
