I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
