I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
no, he came in my armpit
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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