Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
