Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
