i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
