dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
