hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
