non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
