did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
