When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
