the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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