GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
