New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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