Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
