I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
